“One of the things my white mother could not teach me was to honor feelings of outrage.”

This chapter is a short one—about family origins. What kind of family did you grow up in?

My family is like all families, I suppose, in the sense that we half-invented it and half-followed existing models. That’s how you survive. In this chapter the author talks about the long history of her own family and how that controlled her own behaviors: it was instilled at an early age.

Now, of course it was an all-white environment, but there was more. There was the subtle inculcation of values that established the author as white—and established the division between her and everyone else not of a similar background and without similar attainments.

Long hours of work were rewarded with wealth.
Wealth and education erased the past.
The existing situation was accepted as normal, and a long line of hardy pioneers and flinty WASPs prepared the way for a life of work and reward and play.
“We are the rightful heirs and owners of the American dream.”
What you feel is not as important as fitting in.

This quote stands out:

“I learned to become deeply uncomfortable around people who exhibited any of the disapproved emotions, especially anger.”

There is the sense that success means to dampen one’s connection with life. Not too much emotion, not too much involvement, play and be happy, but do not dig too deeply.

I had learned young that complaining was for losers – the family values were that you took it on the chin and you smiled.

It is a deeply suppressed emotional state that is superficially happy. To get along, go along.

What this leads to is a topic for the next chapter.

Questions

What values and admonitions did you learn in your family?

Think about education, work, lifestyle, money, expression of emotions, and so forth. Make a list of ten principles, values, and unspoken beliefs.

We don’t talk about the past
It’s it’s more important to have fun than to buckle down
We value manners more than we value openness
We focus like a laser on weakness
We use humor as a social lubricant
Tough it out – don’t talk about your troubles
Education is OK, but what’s important is fitting in with the rest of your family
Live only for today, and let tomorrow’s troubles handle themselves
The way to fix bad behavior is through emotional outbursts and physical punishment
Family loyalty above all—don’t air the laundry

Consider what conclusions you drew about people who did not appear to follow your family’s belief system

I was—and still am—amazed by families that are confrontational and hash things out. I’m amazed by families that are comfortable in public sharing their disagreements and criticizing each other. I’m amazed by families where achievement is stressed above all else.