It was a hard day today. I spent much of it reflecting upon the journey and upon my words and my deeds. I wrote earlier about words and deeds, and as karma and God would have it, the lesson bounced back to me to learn.
It is hard, damned hard, to make yourself fit into your own moral principles. You discover that what you think are your principles are really your presumptions, that you think are “good” and all you need to do is to be bold and act rightly. That’s when you find out that the real you is quite alive, and is ready to sabotage and reveal itself.
I don’t regret that I’ve been working hard to implement what I’m learning. I don’t regret that I failed, multiple times. I’m in this for the long haul, and I accept that failure is the way to grow.
What I regret—what I deeply regret—is that it has to happen “live,” and not in some lab or within some essay. I regret that it has to happen among people, because I regret every sting and every wound. I would be safer if I didn’t try, I suppose, and I can’t imagine that my own stumbles should be to the stumbling of others.
This is a hard journey.
I’m so glad you had a hard day. Whatever happened today – if you hadn’t noticed, or hadn’t cared, then it would have been easy to put behind you. I’m sorry for whatever event occurred – and so glad that you noticed it (or someone trusted and cared enough to point it out) and that you are examining it and working to be better.
Whomever was impacted – it’s up to them to decide whether to forgive the actions. If I understand your religion correctly, true Forgiveness comes only with genuine penitence. Which means it is probably OK to forgive yourself – and focus on growth and reparation. <3
You’re extremely kind to this old sinner who has many words but few actions. Perhaps there will be a time when I can share, but even if there is not, it is enough for me to know that there are friends in my life.