One of the most critical things I’m learning is that a conditional apology is worthless. An apology leading with an “if” is nothing at all. It is words that afford us no responsibility to understand or change, and we can offer such an “apology” with no sense of insight about the person who we are. Instead, this “apology” pushes the offense to the victim of the offense. “I wasn’t clear. You didn’t understand. You’re too sensitive. I didn’t mean that.”
Love is at stake here. The meaning, the purpose, the expression. We might think we “love” people, and we might think we really mean it. (“I feel so sincere!”)
But it is absolutely not love.
I can understand the offense this might bring to someone who is honestly trying to communicate their feelings about being confronted with their actions. I am that person as well. I hate the feelings of shame when I didn’t mean to offend.
But whether the stick that beats someone is used in anger or in “love,” it is still used to beat someone.
Maturity is asking for God to give us insight into our hearts and minds so as to find real love and not presumption and ignorance and unwillingness to listen.
When people tell us “what you’re doing is unkind/selfish/hurtful/demeaning/abusive” and other words as well, they are giving us a great gift of honesty. They think we’re worth keeping around. They haven’t yet written us off as hopeless. They are strong enough to resist our attempts to “explain” our hurtful behavior.
Maturity is receiving this gift, feeling the feels (it is okay to feel shame at our actions, and anger, and guilt, and even to want to flee–this is our mind trying to cope with danger and with self-awareness), then doing the work to examine ourselves, our words, and our actions.
It is okay to feel a response, and it is normal to want to lash out and “explain.”
The mature man or woman, tho, knows enough not to let that impulse take over, to “sit in our feelings” a while, and then to take sober steps to change our behaviors.
And the mature man or woman says something like “I’m sorry that what I said/did hurt you. What I did/said was wrong. I ask your forgiveness for what I did. I’m promising you that I take your words seriously, and will work on my own understanding and behaviors to act like a better person & to listen to people better.”
No one—nobody!—needs to know how we’re feeling bad by being called out. We started it—we own the results. We own the failures and the mistakes and the broken promises.
Take it, listen to it, think about it, mourn for your own lack of love and empathy and listening.
And for god’s sake, do better next time.
(And remember that forgiveness can be asked for, but it absolutely never can be demanded. We might have to live the rest of our lives with the results of our unloving words and behaviors, no matter how much we think we “should” be forgiven.)
Words of Apology
